What I really want right now is not to be thinking about food.
I can’t eat. I’ve eaten enough today and every time I try to eat more I fill up almost immediately and then feel sick. And I want food now because am so very disappointed and tired and not even about anything that’s important.
I made an old mistake today. I allowed my Aunt and my Mother to persuade me to apply for a degree course at the University. The terse and barely polite refusal was waiting for me in my e-mail in-box by the time I got home. And I really shouldn’t care.
I didn’t want to apply. I didn’t think I’d get accepted. And I was sure that something would cock it up anyway. So it shouldn’t really matter.
But it does matter and I do care. I suppose it’s partly because of the speed. It’s like they waited till I was out of sight, had a quick giggle at my 4 measly Highers from 20 years ago, then sent off an e-mail saying thanks but no thanks and good luck with your doubtless pointless and empty future.
And it’s the depth of the rejection. They didn’t just reject me as I am now. That doesn’t matter – I’m old enough to be used to that rejection. They also rejected the me I was 20 years ago. Back when it still looked like I had promise and possibilities and I might actually have a life. That’s the rejection that hurts. That and because I know it’s not just 20 years ago and right now but it’s lurking in the future waiting for my children.
It’s like I have some horrible social disease that I passed on to my children when they were blameless infants in the womb. This terrible tiring awkwardness and impossibility that I’ve been wading through my whole life is out there waiting to pounce on my two beautiful, wonderful children. It that really is no-one’s fault but my own.