Archive for the Kids Category

I’m working, I’m working. Look at me type.

Posted in Kids, Overthinking stuff with tags , , , , , , on January 12, 2010 by cuttydarke

So here I am again in lew of proper work.  At least I’m still fulfilling my resolution.

Today I’m going to talk about death and ask why I am so crushingly, brain gnawingly terrified of it.  There’s not much that scares me these days.  I don’t care about embarrasment and I’ve largely made my peace with failure.  Pain is just a fact of life and physical injury comes and goes.

I have fears for my children, as does any parent but they’re fears that I need and I understand and I can deal with.  They are normal fears.

Death on the other hand scares me so much I can’t even think about how much it scares me.

I try to have faith in an afterlife but that doesn’t really help.  Partly because I am one of nature’s sceptics and partly because while it’s easy to believe that my Father went on somewhere and is still around somehow I find it hard to believe that I’ll be that lucky.

I try to do that mental magic trick of thinking of my death as being an event that doesn’t concern me since, by definition it is not an event in my life.  When it gets here I wont be here any more.  It doesn’t help.

So I’m stuck with a terrible phobia of an event which will certainly happen to me sooner or later and which is a natural part of life.  I have a duty to my children to face my fate bravely.  That’s my job as a Mother.  I just wish I knew how.

Advertisements

I’m here, I’m awake. What more do you want?

Posted in Kids, writing with tags , , on January 11, 2010 by cuttydarke

So here I am blogging again like a good resolutionist, or whatever the word is.  I should probably be doing proper writing but I have decided to re-define blogging as proper writing and therefore work.

Much to my own surprise I’m keeping an old-school diary.  You know with pen and paper and everything.  I have no idea why.  It’s nothing interesting to anyone but me.  It’s barely interesting to me.  It’s just a list of events and notes of things the kids are doing, my continuing struggles to get the boy to sleep in his own damn bed, the latest stupid thing the Social workers have done and what I made for supper.

I’ve also been thinking about change and death and memory.  I don’t have any big conclusions.  I barely have any thoughts.  I may try to put them into a blog when I’m feeling a bit more coherent.  Don’t hold your breath it could be a while.

Yet another kick in the teeth

Posted in complaining, Kids with tags , , , on August 7, 2009 by cuttydarke

What I really want right now is not to be thinking about food.

I can’t eat.  I’ve eaten enough today and every time I try to eat more I fill up almost immediately and then feel sick.  And I want food now because am so very disappointed and tired and not even about anything that’s important.

I made an old mistake today.  I allowed my Aunt and my Mother to persuade me to apply for a degree course at the University.  The terse and barely polite refusal was waiting for me in my e-mail in-box by the time I got home.  And I really shouldn’t care.

I didn’t want to apply.  I didn’t think I’d get accepted.  And I was sure that something would cock it up anyway.  So it shouldn’t really matter.

But it does matter and I do care.  I suppose it’s partly because of the speed.  It’s like they waited till I was out of sight, had a quick giggle at my 4 measly Highers from 20 years ago, then sent off an e-mail saying thanks but no thanks and good luck with your doubtless pointless and empty future.

And it’s the depth of the rejection.  They didn’t just reject me as I am now.  That doesn’t matter – I’m old enough to be used to that rejection.  They also rejected the me I was 20 years ago.  Back when it still looked like I had promise and possibilities and I might actually have a life.  That’s the rejection that hurts.  That and because I know it’s not just 20 years ago and right now but it’s lurking in the future waiting for my children.

It’s like I have some horrible social disease that I passed on to my children when they were blameless infants in the womb.  This terrible tiring awkwardness and impossibility that I’ve been wading through my whole life is out there waiting to pounce on my two beautiful, wonderful children.  It that really is no-one’s fault but my own.

The suckage continues…

Posted in complaining, Kids, News, Uncategorized on April 15, 2009 by cuttydarke

…but gets no worse.

My daughter is back from a holiday with her other grandparents and my son has chickenpox. Niether of them are home with me yet but we now know that they are definitely not going into foster care because the City Council can’t afford it.

That sort of thing does not give me confidence in our fearless leaders. This city is deeply screwed and there seems to be disconnect between the people who make the decisions and the people who have to carry them out. Decisions are made which cost money with no thought about where the money is going to come from and the entire system seems to rely on the good will of the people at the bottom of the heap.

So the children of the real nasties get no help because there’s no one willing to co-operate and the social workers pick on the people who they know will co-operate so they can show that they’re making progress with someone.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Posted in complaining, Kids, News with tags , on April 5, 2009 by cuttydarke

Well today I had to go see my daughter off at the airport.  She’s off to stay with her other Granparents for a week and a half.  I miss her more already even though she was staying with my Mum.

On a more positive note I may have discovered a talent for 7 card stud.  But it’s too early to tell.

Not much more to say at the moment.  I’m feeling rather flat.

More complaining

Posted in craft, Kids, News with tags , , on April 1, 2009 by cuttydarke

Not much more to say today.  I haven’t done much today at all except work on blankets that I’m making for the kids in case they do have to go into foster care.  I want them to have something comforting to remind them of me.

I forgot to mention that my daughter, currently stuck out in the country with her Granny, has chicken pox.  Poor thing.  So far she is bearing up well and isn’t scratching too much.  My son is sure to get it too eventually but so far no sign of it.

Frankly I’m a bit worried about my Mum having to look after them both.  She’s suck in the house with them.  She can’t go out because she can’t take them with her and she can’t leave them behind because she’s got no-one to leave them with.  I can’t even go and help much.  My Mum’s bathroom is upstairs and I can’t do stairs and It’s hard to go for even a short visit because it hurts so much getting on and off the country buses.  Nevertheless me and my other half will be going out for a visit tomorrow.  I’ll just have to take the painkillers and put up with the side effects.

I really need to learn to drive.

In other news I finally got some information about my forthcoming surgery last week.  Apparently the administrators at the hospital trust were trying to drag their feet on the grounds that weight-loss surgery isn’t important.  Excuse me – I have a silicone balloon in my stomach that you lot put there and it’s supposed to come out in six months (been in nearly 7 months already).  According to the doctor I spoke to they had to “back the administrators into a corner with pointy sticks”, his actual words.

Anyway I am now definately on the theatre list, penciled in for 30th April but it won’t necessarily be on that exact date.

There’s probably more I’ve forgotton to say but right now I don’t really care.

Life is still kicking me in the teeth…

Posted in complaining, Kids, News with tags , , on April 1, 2009 by cuttydarke

But so far none of them have fallen out.

I really don’t want to talk about what’s been happening over the last couple of months but I can’t really avoid it indefinitely.  I do want to be a writer and a writer writes.

My children no longer life in my house and I don’t know when they’re going to be coming back.  They are actually supposed to be in Foster Care since the Social Work Department of Aberdeen City Council have decided that they’re being neglected at home and that my Mother is not doing a good enough job of setting boundaries for them.  But of course that plan would rely on the Cooncil having enough money to put them in Foster Care and they don’t.  So my children are staying with my Mum out in the country side.

This is far from ideal as they are supposed to be going to school in the city but neither me nor my Mum has a car and they Cooncil doesn’t have enough money for taxis every day.  They have enough money for three taxis. Tuesday and Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon.

That’s bad enough but the Social Workers are so overworked, under-resourced or incompetent (I haven’t worked out which yet) that they are incapable of booking a taxi even given two warnings and a week to do it in.  It’s like dealing with the NHS only far, far worse.  They seem happy enough to tell us that we’re dong something wrong but they wont tell us exactly what it is or how to do it better.  Every week I phone them several times and ask them what I can be doing to get my children back and the answer always seems to be some variation of sitting around waiting for them to do what their payed to do.

It’s like being in hell.  So like it that I’ve started dreaming that I’m in hell.  When I’m not dreaming that I’m in hell I dream that I’m trying to save my family from a Tsunami.  Sometimes I don’t remember my dreams but they make me really angry at my husband.  So angry that I wake up to find myself elbowing him the ribs but unable to remember why.

I’m not getting a lot of sleep.