Kingdom of the Blind

Another Dose of Toxic Rage

cuttydarke — Thu, 26 May 2011 00:48:38 +0000

It's late and I can't sleep so it's time to offload that toxic cargo.

Earlier today I was thinking of an old on-line friend of mine. I doubt he'll read this. We don't talk any more. The name I knew him by was Rog O'Donnell. I have no idea if it was his real name or if he still goes by it on-line. I wasn't Cutty Darke back then so i see no reason to suppose he's using the same name.

We knew each other from a message board and we chatted about stuff, it was private stuff so I wont go into that here, and I offloaded a lot of my anger and depression in those conversations. Eventually the day came when he asked me to stop telling him about my life because it was depressing him too much.

My gast was flabbered. I was shocked and hurt and I didn't know if I had any right to be shocked and hurt. After all he was depressed. I knew he was depressed. Maybe I shouldn't have been burdening him with my problem. Maybe I was being too needy and depressing ?

On the other hand… Hold on a fucking minute. My life is so shitty that just hearing about it is making you ill? How fucking depressing do you think I find it, arsehole? Of course I didn't say that to him. I didn't say much to him after that. Not because I stopped talking to him but because I didn't have anything to say. There was nothing in my life that wasn't depressing and there's only so much you can say about television when neither of you watch soaps. And of course this was before Doctor Who came back to our screens.

I thought about him today because I thought of some of the stupid stuff I used to burden him with. I was so messed up in those days. I'm much less messed up now. Of course my life is actually way worse in practically every way.

But I'm not gong to talk about that here.

Rog did teach me an important lesson. A lesson that I really should have learned years ago when my uncle tried to tell me. I suppose I thought that he was being cynical or that the internet was somehow different from real life. I'll give you this lesson in my uncle's words because I've yet to find a better way of putting it. "Don't tell people your problems cause half of them don't care and the rest think it's funny."

Now I'm not claiming that I never winge or whine or complain. Of course I do. All the time. Otherwise I'd have very little topic of conversation other than Doctor Who but I do make a huge effort to put a positive spin on things. I try to mention the things that are improving. I minimise the things that are getting a whole lot worse or just don't mention them at all and I try to put a positive spin on the things that are just the same old shit as last time we spoke.

So my life is less shitty that it was 3 months ago. I have lost some more weight and on Saturday I went swimming. Did you see Doctor Who on Saturday?

The non-published writer’s dilemma

cuttydarke — Tue, 10 May 2011 11:53:21 +0000

So last month we moved house. The process still isn't finished. Things are still in boxes. There's stuff that I haven't found and I don't know if it's lost, left or still in a box. There are so many things I should be doing. And writing's not one of them.

But in the long term writing is my only hope. Writing is a way to earn the things my children need. Writing is work. Except that it's not work because I'm not published and therefore I don't get paid. So it's not really work.

So I should really just sort the house out and then get back to writing. But it's not that easy. Much as I hate to use the word I am disabled. There is a limit to what I can do in a day. A variable limit. And there are days when I can't do much in the way of cleaning and tidying and unboxing. Now on those days I probably could write a bit but I feel like a I shouldn't because the house is a mess.

So the house stays a mess and I don't do any writing.

That time of year again.

cuttydarke — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 22:10:56 +0000

Yes it's time for looking to the future and thinking about the past and making resolutions and plans. You know. All the stuff I'm really bad at.

Mind you. I did manage to get a complete 1st Draft of one of my Novels sent out into the real world. I entered a competition with the first of the 'Department' Novels so go me.

Tomorrow morning the kids are back at school and it will be possible for me to tidy in relative peace. It will also be possible to write without having to bribe the kids in some way. So now I have no excuse for not writing, for not setting up a more permanent Aberdeen NaNoWriMo group and for not getting the house in order. So I really ought to do all that stuff.

So far so good. But what about everything else. The School still has no plan for educating my son for the whole of the school day. I'm still at the mercy of the Social Workers. I'm still in the same flat with most of the same neighbours. I still have no realistic plan for getting out.

Every time I try to plan I feel like the underpants gnomes from South Park. All my plans have a huge gap in them somewhere.

Priorities

cuttydarke — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 14:12:50 +0000

Obviously my biggest priority is my children. Well I say obviously but maybe it isn't obvious. It seems obvious to me though.

Obvious or not it's true. But its not always as helpful as you'd think when making decisions.

You see I want to be a writer. I think its possible. I might never be rich but we could be better off than we are now. But it means making sacrifices.

Now I'd I could make all the sacrifices my self then there would be no problem. I wish I were that competant. Even at the best of times I am just barely good enough as a mother. A lot of the time I am failing without the extra pressure of writing.

So is it vanity to try? Am I being selfish or am I doing the best for my family in the long term?

I just don't know.

Sent from my HTC

Bloody Housing

cuttydarke — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 11:15:01 +0000

Just had a phone call from our friendly local housing assistant. The medical priority change that means we should get a 3 bedroom place means they’re taking us off the descretionary list.

Basically because I’m disabled and my sob has special needs we can’t be rehoused in a hurry even to get away from abuse and harrasment.

The best he can do is to refer us to some committee that only meets once every 3 months. And he can only do that if there’s new police reports.

Why does this make me feel suicidal rather than murderous?

Sent from my HTC

What is wrong with some people?>

cuttydarke — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 20:09:21 +0000

Today on my way home I stumbled into trouble with some of the humans (and I may be misusing that word) that live near me.

I was taking my children home from school when a pregnant mother of 3 accused me of assaulting her daughter. Apparently I grabbed her daughter's head and shouted at her to get out of my way.

Actually I reached round a child playing on a DS while walking home to press the button on the Pedestrian Crossing then told my own daughter to get out of the way of a woman pushing a buggy. I told her that and then told her to check the CCTV footage from the bank and the shops if she didn't believe me. She didn't like my answer.

Which is stupid enough. But who the fuck waits 2 minutes to accost someone they think has assaulted their child. And then just stands around. What did she expect me to do? Attack her? Throw myself at her feet and beg for forgiveness? What?

If she really believed that I did it then why didn't she call the police? And if she didn't then why accuse me? Is this some kind of test? Did I pass or fail?

I have to get out of here.

An experiment

cuttydarke — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 21:17:37 +0000

Today I am experimenting with posting something positive. Mainly cause I'd hate to be predictable.

It's not going well. I've been sitting here for at least 10 minutes and I can't think of much to say. Except that I have just had a very nice bottle of beer.

Mmmm Beer.

Tomorrow I'm going shoe shopping with my daughter. And then I'm going to Hobbycraft.

Mmmmm Hobbycraft.

Is it just me or is my attempt to be positive way more depressing than than my negative posts?

A sick mind or a sick life?

cuttydarke — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:27:02 +0000

My last post seems to have caused some consternation. I wasn't really expecting it because I don't really expect people to read my blog. And I'm not used to being taken seriously

And because I wasn't expecting anyone to read it I did't really think about the two groups that would read it. The people who know me in real life and the people who don't. To the people who don't know me and were worried by what I wrote I feel I should point out that I'm 39 years old and I've been depressed since I was 4 and I haven't done anything rash about it yet so there's probably no urgency now.

To the people who do know me and were surprised I feel I should say "Why the hell wouldn't I feel like that. My life is a symphony of suck with no sign of it ever improving. Of course I feel like that. And of course I don't talk about it because there's nothing to be done about it."

I really have been depressed since I was 4. I used to think it was my fault or down to genetics. I thought I had a 'depressive personality' but the more I look back at my life the more I realise that my depression has always been a sane and rational reaction to my life.

I don't want you to think that I've had some kind of epic-ly miserable and tortured existence. I've just been crushed. All my life. In little ways. I've always been smart and creative and I've never been able to make that work for me. I've always been loved but there's always been a 'but'.

You know how that goes:

"She has such a pretty face but…" (I don't actually, handsome perhaps, but never pretty)

"She's so clever but…"

"She's very good but…"

I was never the right person. I was never in the right place. I was always either early or late, too young or to old or just wrong. Apparently my Dad had a saying for it. I never heard it from his lips but other people have repeated it to me. "Everything in her favour is against her." I wish he'd said it to me instead of just about me. Perhaps I would have felt like he did forgive me for not being the daughter he wanted. But most likely I would have taken it as a criticism.

So now you know. Yes I have noticed how shitty my life is. Yes it does bother me. Yes it does make me despair but at least I have plenty of practice at despairing.

One of my two mottoes, as some of you will know, is "Always look on the bright side. If you can't find the bright side polish the dark side." I do really try to live up to that. I know that things could be a lot worse. The boy could be a lot more Autistic. I could be a lot sicker. There are worse places to live. There are people out there in the real world with no food no house and no internet. Things could be a lot worse.

And just think how hard all this would be if I'd had a nice life up till now? If I hadn't been so miserable in the past I wouldn't know how to deal with it now.

Abandon game and start again? Y/N

cuttydarke — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 11:17:09 +0000

It seems like with this life I am flogging a dead horse. Maybe it’s time to call the whole thing a wash and start again. Maybe in the next life I can avoid all the mistakes I’ve made in this one.

But this is real life (apparently) and I can’t just press exit then new game. Real life is far too messy for that.

When you restart in real life you leave behind wreckage. So what to do? I can’t go on like this. Things are never going to get any better for me and while I’m arround they won’t get any better for my kids.

So is there any hope for them without me? That’s what I have to decide now.

Sent from my HTC

Abandon game and start again? Y/N

cuttydarke — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 11:17:08 +0000

It seems like with this life I am flogging a dead horse. Maybe it’s time to call the whole thing a wash and start again. Maybe in the next life I can avoid all the mistakes I’ve made in this one.

But this is real life (apparently) and I can’t just press exit then new game. Real life is far too messy for that.

So is there any hope for them without me? That’s what I have to decide now.

Sent from my HTC