Another Dose of Toxic Rage

It's late and I can't sleep so it's time to offload that toxic cargo.

Earlier today I was thinking of an old on-line friend of mine.  I doubt he'll read this.  We don't talk any more.  The name I knew him by was Rog O'Donnell.  I have no idea if it was his real name or if he still goes by it on-line.  I wasn't Cutty Darke back then so i see no reason to suppose he's using the same name.

We knew each other from a message board and we chatted about stuff, it was private stuff so I wont go into that here, and I offloaded a lot of my anger and depression in those conversations.  Eventually the day came when he asked me to stop telling him about my life because it was depressing him too much.

My gast was flabbered.  I was shocked and hurt and I didn't know if I had any right to be shocked and hurt.  After all he was depressed.  I knew he was depressed.  Maybe I shouldn't have been burdening him with my problem.  Maybe I was being too needy and depressing ?

On the other hand…  Hold on a fucking minute.  My life is so shitty that just hearing about it is making you ill?  How fucking depressing do you think I find it, arsehole?  Of course I didn't say that to him.  I didn't say much to him after that.  Not because I stopped talking to him but because I didn't have anything to say.  There was nothing in my life that wasn't depressing and there's only so much you can say about television when neither of you watch soaps.  And of course this was before Doctor Who came back to our screens.

I thought about him today because I thought of some of the stupid stuff I used to burden him with.  I was so messed up in those days.  I'm much less messed up now.  Of course my life is actually way worse in practically every way.

But I'm not gong to talk about that here.

Rog did teach me an important lesson.  A lesson that I really should have learned years ago when my uncle tried to tell me.  I suppose I thought that he was being cynical or that the internet was somehow different from real life.  I'll give you this lesson in my uncle's words because I've yet to find a better way of putting it.  "Don't tell people your problems cause half of them don't care and the rest think it's funny."

Now I'm not claiming that I never winge or whine or complain.  Of course I do.  All the time.  Otherwise I'd have very little topic of conversation other than Doctor Who but I do make a huge effort to put a positive spin on things.  I try to mention the things that are improving.  I minimise the things that are getting a whole lot worse or just don't mention them at all and I try to put a positive spin on the things that are just the same old shit as last time we spoke.

So my life is less shitty that it was 3 months ago.  I have lost some more weight and on Saturday I went swimming.  Did you see Doctor Who on Saturday?