A sick mind or a sick life?

My last post seems to have caused some consternation.  I wasn't really expecting it because I don't really expect people to read my blog.  And I'm not used to being taken seriously

And because I wasn't expecting anyone to read it I did't really think about the two groups that would read it.  The people who know me in real life and the people who don't.  To the people who don't know me and were worried by what I wrote I feel I should point out that I'm 39 years old and I've been depressed since I was 4 and I haven't done anything rash about it yet so there's probably no urgency now.

To the people who do know me and were surprised I feel I should say "Why the hell wouldn't I feel like that.  My life is a symphony of suck with no sign of it ever improving.  Of course I feel like that.  And of course I don't talk about it because there's nothing to be done about it."

I really have been depressed since I was 4.  I used to think it was my fault or down to genetics.  I thought I had a 'depressive personality' but the more I look back at my life the more I realise that my depression has always been a sane and rational reaction to my life.

I don't want you to think that I've had some kind of epic-ly miserable and tortured existence.  I've just been crushed.  All my life.  In little ways.  I've always been smart and creative and I've never been able to make that work for me.  I've always been loved but there's always been a 'but'.  

You know how that goes:  

"She has such a pretty face but…" (I don't actually, handsome perhaps, but never pretty)

"She's so clever but…"

"She's very good but…"

I was never the right person.  I was never in the right place.  I was always either early or late, too young or to old or just wrong.  Apparently my Dad had a saying for it.  I never heard it from his lips but other people have repeated it to me.  "Everything in her favour is against her."  I wish he'd said it to me instead of just about me.  Perhaps I would have felt like he did forgive me for not being the daughter he wanted.  But most likely I would have taken it as a criticism.  

So now you know.  Yes I have noticed how shitty my life is.  Yes it does bother me.  Yes it does make me despair but at least I have plenty of practice at despairing. 

One of my two mottoes, as some of you will know, is "Always look on the bright side.  If you can't find the bright side polish the dark side."  I do really try to live up to that.  I know that things could be a lot worse.  The boy could be a lot more Autistic.  I could be a lot sicker.  There are worse places to live.  There are people out there in the real world with no food no house and no internet.  Things could be a lot worse.

And just think how hard all this would be if I'd had a nice life up till now?  If I hadn't been so miserable in the past I wouldn't know how to deal with it now.